Also, I’m cutting back on the reblogs from here on out.
The thing about most stuff, art in particular is that at its best it mirrors life. The best melodies haunt you, the most intriguing literature makes you think long after you’ve stopped reading and the most relatable paintings make you feel emotions you may not want to feel but you do. Much like the myriad of inconsequential experiences you have had, there is a myriad of inconsequential art to go with it. The best part, however, is that none of it is inconsequential; there is always someone with a different perspective that sees/hears your inconsequential as something that they hold dear.
I’ve been thinking a great deal these past few months and I’ve come to realize that there is so much that I don’t know about myself. I seem to have notions about myself that aren’t true and if they ever were at some point, they no longer are. I don’t know what kind of books I like to read, I don’t know what catches my interest from an academic standpoint, I don’t know what kind of music I like. Fuck, I don’t even know what kind of clothes I like to wear because I’ve just been wearing the same damn clothes for the longest time. Most importantly, I don’t know if this is okay or not. Does it make sense that these ancient fucking notions I have about who I am and what I like sound more appealing to me than the seemingly vanilla walking-talking stem cell that I seem to presently be? I mean, here’s how I see it, you have Abhishek and you have Shakey.
Abhishek is a 16 year old metalhead who enjoys reading dystopian literature, doesn’t have that many friends and tends to keep to himself. His existence revolves around banging his head to blast beats, xbox and his collection of Chuck Taylors. He is heavily judgemental and looks down upon people with different tastes.
Abhishek is a 16 year old humanities student who is gaining proficiency as a bass player. He identifies with things that he does not fully understand such as A Clockwork Orange, Full Metal Jacket, Dante and Faulkner. He likes the idea of himself listening to Jazz and Classical music that he doesn’t understand. He will probably study English in Delhi University.
Shakey is an 18 (bordering on 19) year old bass player who has no fixed taste in music. He has not read a book since October because every time he picked one up, even the ones he loved 2 years ago, he could not go through with reading them. He does not know what he would instead like to read because he has no idea what else there is. He took the year off from college because that place, along with what he was doing there, made him truly depressed. He does not judge people and believes that they should be able to do whatever the hell it is that they want to do. He has what most people would consider ‘many’ friends but he gets lonely even in their midst.
Shakey is the manifestation of the influences and expectations of different people from the past 2 years. Shakey is natural progression.
Anyone reading this that knows me will understand exactly what I mean. Some will be disconcerted by this, some won’t care in the least. I wish only, by means of this post, to root the part of me that wants to seek, introspect, gain knowledge and do things that I normally would not have so that I may affirm what it is that I enjoy doing and what for.
Extended hiatus isn’t a phrase that I ever saw myself saying but there it is. I’m taking a break to think about some.stuff and just generally get my shit in order. I haven’t been posting here a great deal of late to begin with and you can expect that trend to continue into the next year. See you when I see you.
Unless I continually write updates, putting what I’m saying into context becomes a little hard to do but feel free to take a stab at it and I’ll do the best I can to make what I’m saying accessible and not just random whiny statements.
College continues to be the single most boring thing in all of existence. A friend of mine asked me to say one thing I liked about college and nothing came to mind, I’ve been thinking about it ever since and I still can’t think of anything. Do I like my class? No. Do I enjoy what I’m studying? No, it really isn’t for me, I feel. Do I enjoy the freedom I have to do whatever the hell I want with my time? No, that’s been there for the longest time. So all in all, I’m barely getting by in this place. I’ve never felt so vacuous in my entire life and I’m trying my hardest to work within the framework that college provides, i.e, go to class, try new things and learn more about myself but none of those things seem to bring me any joy, they just seem like more decisions that I’m fucking up and while it’s all difficult, going to class is the hardest thing I have to do, it takes a monumental amount of effort, it’s getting easier now that I’ve had some time to accustom myself to the pile of shit I stepped on that I have to carry with me for another year at least, but it remains the one thing I really have to work on doing. Also, an amendment to my last update, my teachers are not awesome, one is okay, the others are horrible.
Last week was the gig week, which is exactly what it sounds like, a week with a different gig every night. I attended 5 days of it and it was pure fucking bliss, Shaurye put it better than anyone else, this week had purpose, no matter what happened during the day, there was something to look forward to that night and it was insane, it really does give you a semblance or purpose in what you’re doing that’s hard to replace.
I have a few goals in mind that I have to work towards in the short term and they should help me decide what I’m going to do later on should I need to pull myself out of this shithole.
I’ve barely been posting here for the past month or so, I tried, honestly, I did! But there was just too much crap to actually have time to post. So here’s where I’ve been this past month:
The first week was me giving back to back ECA auditions for different colleges in Delhi University, which basically means that I had to go to all these different colleges and play bass for random motherfuckers so that they could deem me worthy of getting admission into that college based on how “well” I could play. I eventually ended up getting into Sri Venkateswara College (henceforth referred to as Venky) for English hons. through merit. The ECA trials weren’t for naught though, I ended up making some new friends who are pretty close to me now.
The next couple of weeks went by in writing music and practicing with my band (Purple Elephants), we had our first gig on the 19th and it was insanely good.
This last week, I’ve been going to college and it’s pretty fucking strange. It’s been super disillusioning, people don’t really seem to want to do anything except sit around and kill time. My classmates, I feel, never really wanted to take English honours but they did because it was all they could take. Plus I’m ill, my tonsils are inflamed and pustulent and what not (ew, right?) so I haven’t been able to devote enough time to college to fully acclimate and accept it for what it is. My teachers, however, are pretty awesome, for which I’m grateful. We have to read The Odyssey by Homer this first semester, the translation by Robert Fagles which isn’t in verse form. I have a lecture on the first 8 books tomorrow morning and on Saturday I have a lecture on The Pot of Gold by Titus Maccius Plautus which I find hilarious for inane reasons.
and raise you
because if you
have ever seen
more awesome than these motherfucking treehouses
I will call you out on your bullshit
because come on look at these fuckers
It looks like a freaking onion
it’s bigger than my actual house
Ok for my whole entire life I’ve always wanted a treehouse. This was porn to me.