Unless I continually write updates, putting what I’m saying into context becomes a little hard to do but feel free to take a stab at it and I’ll do the best I can to make what I’m saying accessible and not just random whiny statements.
College continues to be the single most boring thing in all of existence. A friend of mine asked me to say one thing I liked about college and nothing came to mind, I’ve been thinking about it ever since and I still can’t think of anything. Do I like my class? No. Do I enjoy what I’m studying? No, it really isn’t for me, I feel. Do I enjoy the freedom I have to do whatever the hell I want with my time? No, that’s been there for the longest time. So all in all, I’m barely getting by in this place. I’ve never felt so vacuous in my entire life and I’m trying my hardest to work within the framework that college provides, i.e, go to class, try new things and learn more about myself but none of those things seem to bring me any joy, they just seem like more decisions that I’m fucking up and while it’s all difficult, going to class is the hardest thing I have to do, it takes a monumental amount of effort, it’s getting easier now that I’ve had some time to accustom myself to the pile of shit I stepped on that I have to carry with me for another year at least, but it remains the one thing I really have to work on doing. Also, an amendment to my last update, my teachers are not awesome, one is okay, the others are horrible.
Last week was the gig week, which is exactly what it sounds like, a week with a different gig every night. I attended 5 days of it and it was pure fucking bliss, Shaurye put it better than anyone else, this week had purpose, no matter what happened during the day, there was something to look forward to that night and it was insane, it really does give you a semblance or purpose in what you’re doing that’s hard to replace.
I have a few goals in mind that I have to work towards in the short term and they should help me decide what I’m going to do later on should I need to pull myself out of this shithole.